What Happens at Home Doesn't Have to Stay There: Domestic Violence and Our Familias

Los trapos sucios no se lavan en silencio, mija. Your safety comes first.

Para las que entienden. And for the ones still deciding if it counts.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. We are a hair brand, but we sit close to women's lives, and some things matter more than edges.

Let us say this clearly first: abuse is not "our culture." It happens in every community, every income, every language. But the way it gets hidden can look different in our familias, and that is what we want to talk about.

Esperanza United, the national Latina organization focused on gender based violence, reports that about one in three Latinas (34.4%) will experience intimate partner violence in her lifetime. That is your prima, your comadre, the señora at church who always has a reason she can't come out.

The Things We Were Taught to Carry

A lot of us grew up hearing some version of these. They came from love and survival, but they can keep a woman stuck:

• "Los trapos sucios se lavan en casa." Keeping family business private is one thing. Keeping someone's violence private protects him, not you.
• "Aguanta, así son los hombres." Being hurt, controlled or scared is not something a woman is supposed to endure.
• "Hazlo por los niños." Children who grow up around violence carry it too. Getting safe is doing it for the kids.
• "¿Qué va a decir la familia?" The people who really love you want you alive and well more than they want the family to look good.

It Is Not Always Hitting

Control counts. If a partner does these things, talk to someone:

• Takes your money, your papers, or your ID, or controls whether you can work
• Threatens to call immigration on you or your family
• Threatens to take the kids to another country or tell the judge you are a bad mother
• Keeps you away from your mom, your sisters, your friends
• Decides how you dress, how you wear your hair, or punishes you for changing it
• Checks your phone, tracks where you go, and gets angry when you are late from the salon

If You Do Hair and You See Something

Stylists hear everything. If a client flinches when you touch her head, has marks she keeps hiding, or has hair that looks pulled out in patches that do not match her styles, you can gently open the door:

1. Wait for privacy. Never in front of other clients, and never if he is nearby or on the phone.
2. Ask simple. "¿Estás bien en casa?" Then listen.
3. Believe her and do not judge. Do not ask why she stays.
4. Offer the number quietly. Save it in her phone under something like "Citas Salón."
5. Let her decide. Your job is to make sure she knows she is not alone.

If It Is You

You are not exaggerating and you are not alone. You can call, text, or chat in Spanish, and you do not have to decide anything on the first call. Advocates can help you make a safety plan for you and your kids. If he watches your phone, reach out from a device he cannot check, like a trusted friend's phone, and clear your history after.

Tu vida vale más que el qué dirán. Your life is worth more than what people will say.

Preguntas Frecuentes / FAQ

Can I talk to someone in Spanish?
Yes. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has Spanish speaking advocates at 1-800-799-7233 and a Spanish site at espanol.thehotline.org.

He threatens to report me to immigration. Is that abuse?
Yes. Using immigration status to control someone is a form of abuse. Survivors may have legal options, so speak with a licensed immigration attorney or DOJ accredited representative, not a notario.

Does it count if he never hit me?
Yes. Controlling money, papers, kids, friends, or where you go is abuse, and advocates take those calls every day.

Sources: Esperanza United, Latinas and Intimate Partner Violence fact sheet; National Domestic Violence Hotline. This article is for awareness and is not legal advice.

Con amor, CEOLorenze