Hands in Her Hair: What Domestic Violence Looks Like From the Stylist's Chair

Protect Black Women. Protégela como familia, porque she is family.

For the homegirls who sit in the chair every two weeks, and the ones who hold the comb.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and we are not about to sell you edge control over it. We are going to talk about it, because the numbers are too close to home to stay quiet.

According to the CDC's National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, 53.6% of non-Hispanic Black women have experienced physical violence, sexual violence, or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime. That is more than half. That is your cousin, your coworker, the homegirl two chairs down at the braid shop. The CDC also reports that over half of female homicide victims are killed by a current or former male partner.

Why a Hair Brand Is Talking About This

Because the hair chair is where women tell the truth. Your stylist, your braider, your loctician sees your scalp up close for hours at a time. She sees what nobody else is close enough to see, and she hears what you would never say at work.

That makes the chair one of the few places a woman might be noticed before it gets worse. We want every homegirl who does hair to know what she might be looking at, and every homegirl in the chair to know she is allowed to say something.

What It Can Look Like on the Scalp

First, real talk: not every bald spot is abuse. Traction alopecia, alopecia areata, postpartum shedding and stress shedding are all real, and most thinning has nothing to do with a partner. But some things are worth a quiet second look:

• Patches where hair looks pulled out rather than thinned, especially at the crown or the back, where tension from a style does not usually land
• A scalp that is tender or bruised in spots that do not match her style history
• Marks along the hairline, the nape, or behind the ears that she covers or explains away
• Flinching when hands move toward her head fast

It Is Not Always Hands

Abuse is also control, and control shows up in hair more often than people think:

• A partner who decides how she is allowed to wear her hair, or punishes her for changing it
• Cutting her hair as punishment
• Controlling the money so she cannot book her appointments
• Calling nonstop during her appointment, showing up, or demanding to know exactly who is doing her hair and when she will be home

If that list reads like your life, you are not being dramatic. That is coercive control, and the Hotline takes those calls every day.

If You Do Hair and You Notice Something

1. Keep it private. Never bring it up in front of other clients, and never with a partner nearby.
2. Ask, do not accuse. "Your scalp is tender here. Are you okay at home?" is enough. Then be quiet and let her answer.
3. Believe her. Do not ask why she has not left.
4. Do not confront the partner. That can make things more dangerous for her.
5. Give her the number in a safe way. A card she can hide, or saved in her phone under a name like "Braids Tuesday."
6. Let her lead. Your job is not to fix it. Your job is to make sure she knows she is not alone.

If It Is You

Your edges can wait. Your appointment can wait. You come first. Call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org when it is safe. They can help you make a safety plan, find shelter, and figure out options without pressure to do anything before you are ready. If someone checks your phone or computer, use a device they cannot see and clear your history after.

Protect Black Women, All Month Long

This October, Grow Your Edges Back is running our Protect Black Women series. Use code PROTECT for 10% off, and share this article with the homegirl who needs to see it more than she needs to see a sale. Protect Black Women shirts with the Hotline number printed right on them are on the way, because that number should be seen everywhere.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is the Hotline only for physical abuse?
No. Advocates also help with emotional abuse, financial control, stalking, and anything that makes you feel unsafe or controlled.

Do I have to give my name?
No. You can reach out without sharing identifying details.

I think my client is being hurt. Should I call the police?
If someone is in immediate danger, call 911. Otherwise, let her decide her next step. You can also call the Hotline yourself to ask how to support her.

Sources: CDC National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey 2016/2017, as reported by the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine; CDC, About Intimate Partner Violence.

Protect her like family. CEOLorenze